At a l'heure bleue

Look at this!
Look at my life,look at yours.Yesterday was very beautiful,I'd build up anything I wanted.My dreams ran wild,my thoughts free,my imagination untamed,my soul could breathe.But today...why the hell is today so real?


Unleashed was my life.I would create a whole perfect life within my own.I'd paint it pink,furnish it with my aspiration,color it up with my enthusiasm,portrait it as a funland,a loveland...It was a pink world.It was my perfect little world.


Hatred never existed there.Neither did misery.If I let you in,you'd have to first strip off your insipid namby-pambiness at my doorstep.I used to play games too.The good type if you ask me.Swimming was my way to delve into just about anything I wanted.I would swim at day and night.Whenever the water is freezing,I would dive right in,swim away in freestyle.I hated backstroke.Why face the ceiling when there's so much to see in the crystal clear blue water? Butterfly would give me cramps.Freestyle was my thing.I loved it.I would keep constructing my perfect world while swimming.Make amendments to it,fill it up with twinkling beauty.I loved my world.

My real life was somehow lusterless.Studies.School.Family.Sports club.BOOKS! Whoever invented books is a beast.Throughout my life,I've read tens and tens of books,zillions of magazines,endless number of articles...BOOOKS!Hardcovers.Paperbacks.Novels. Psychology.Medicine.Sports.Statistics. Every single book embroidered a new page in my life.Some of these pages were long parchments.Others were dog-eared.Most of them,however,were singular pages.You wont see these pages anywhere.They're far too pretty to be peeked upon.I can show you into them,though...I need to like you first.Maybe I would someday.


My stepping into adulthood is magical.No.I've never left my scrapbook in my teens-backpack.I still carry it around.But I have responsibilities now.Grownups' stuff.Boring,but sophisticated.I enjoy them much.They build me up,They make me the person I wanna be.They make me the person this world is aching to have.I'll ease your pains one day,by God's will.I suffer at times so I would be capable of stopping your pain.To me failure is to stand in front of you, helpless.I need to learn things,pretty medical things.They might help you one day,they should.I'll ease your pains one day,by God's will.


Driving is cool.Its my vent at times.Boring monotonous acts,with the littlest bit of mischief, can become exhilarating.Everyday as I drive these long hours,I can see  myself along this splendid timeline.Milestones are scattered here and there.Sorry,they're PUT there on purpose.They're cheerful and so tempting.They are my little pearls.I tend to pass by them in a jiffy,every now and then.I smile as I go past them.I just wanna see them there,seek their sheen,and suck in some perseverance.They make my life purposeful.You need to have milestones,they're nice things to have.


So its only been a week into my third round, Ophthalmology,and I've already diagnosed half of my family members with whopping eye problems.Arcus senilis and a tiny crescent of pannus in my dad's eye.T3 in my mum's.A tiny pretty pinguecula in my older sister's.And keratoconus somewhere else.My upbeat mood has showed off on them all.They were all chatting away happily,as they marveled on the little "beauties" (as I put it to them) their eyes revealed.They've lived for so long with cool stuff that albeit being inside their eyes,they couldn't see them.I told them that was another asset.Seeing any of these is somehow deemed a corneal opacity,which by the way is NOT cool.

My perfect lil life has receded a bit.Overwhelmed by the reality of everyday's life,my cheerful portrait couldn't fully stand its grounds.That's fine.As long as it's lingering somewhere in the vicinity,perfectly set up for my desperate runaways.I thank God for giving me this little bit of treasure.It renders me crazy at times.reckless at others.but at everyday's l'heure bleue,I stand grateful...

Alhmduel Allah.

Endowment.

Perched at the window,she looked out.Silence.Melancholy rocked her weak body.She shivered.Her futile attempts at fighting back loomed past her eyes.They watered.Zoombies of good memories plagued her conscience.She smiled...


Out through the window she looked. Sillhoutes of a couple making out at roadside disgusted her.She turned to look at the opposite side of the street.A kid was tottering behind his parents.His coggling amused her...a wave of jubliance showered her weak body...she felt youthful.


Her past years were typically montonous.Memories of her future years seemed so solid...so real,she almost believed that future has already mingled with her past,leaving behind corollaries of moments passed unlived, jokes dead before being said,and feelings slaughtered before being felt...she sighed.


Loneliness taught her to listen and reflect.To ponder over what's being heard and to ignore the clatter of everyday's life.She felt her presence nullified by an overhwhelming power to just sit back and reflect.Humility has ousted her pride.She felt vulnerable,yet overridden by a desire to shut up her demanding innerself and to prick her ears to the sound of those around,suffering...

This world puzzled her a big deal.It awed her how mothers can give so much and get nothing in return.It appalled her how people would strive to gain power,bear with ever so much bureaucracy and then forget all about their humble roots.It saddened her how passion can rip hearts apart and how misery has easily become the daily theme.It shocked her how forgetful people were,remembering God ONLY at moments of need and weakness.It was then that she turned up to look at the sky..

An equally lonely moon met her gaze.It was perfectly spherical with its outlines radiating a beautifully lineated rim of light.The moonlit street seemed to liven up at last.Bits of light shimmering outta that lunar disc,albeit being so little, illuminated just about everything underneath it.The welted leaves strewn across the parking lot somehow managed to look green and youthful.The sleeping beggar huddled at the dumpster shifted in his sleep,devouring the little bit of warmth the moon endowed him with.A travelling tribe spotted the moon,adjusted their route and chanted avidly with their voices infiltrating the thick curtains of darkness around them.Sensing the wave of swift change that has vibrated through the world,the moon purposefully looked forward to tomorrow, where it would sneak back to its hiding on the other side of the world,saving up a bit of the sun's energy,only to come back next night and wipe off some grief from the world.

She left her spot by the window and set off for the door,turned down the doorknob and stepped outside.It was daytime already.She was confident.She headed off to where she should have gone a long while ago...she felt relieved.